Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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