he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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