Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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