Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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