Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
