yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
