Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
