What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
