Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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