Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
