Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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