How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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