1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
