my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
