He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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