I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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