I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
