Apparently you make a good broom.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
