On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
where are my eyebrows?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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