Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
