you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
