Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
