When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Randomize
