Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize
