I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
