Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
