Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
