Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
