If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
