Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
