I wish they made helmets for livers.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
