dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
