Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
