Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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