i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
