it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
The struggles of a small town man whore
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
