Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize