Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
