Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
