i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
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