My pussy is not your playground.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
