apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize