he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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