there's paper in my vomit.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize