why didn't you poke me back
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
