had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Randomize
