Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Randomize
