I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Hippo gnu deer
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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