you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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