I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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