totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
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