Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
