You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
