I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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