What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
