Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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