she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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