literally had 100 drinks last night.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Randomize
